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January 2001

Happy New Year! I was off yesterday and today. Hubby and I celebrated the first day of the year by going to the movies. Everything else was closed. We saw Wes Craven's "Dracula". It was ok. Had an interesting twist at how became Dracula. It has to do with Judas Iscariot. We had walked to another movie theatre (in the snow) that's about 35 min. by foot because the movie we wanted to see "Vertical Limit" was sold out in our neighborhood theatre. Anyway, it was good exercise to walk all that. Today I was a total bum. Hubby had to work today and I just stayed home cleaned up a bit then stayed in front of this computer all day. Bad habit. A soon as I finish writing this I will do my exercise. It's 6p.m. now. Geez. Tomorrow I will exercise first thing in the morning. That way I can get it done and not worry about it for the rest of the day.
1.5.01 165
I weighed myself a couple days ago. My scale says 165. The same as in October. I was kind of relived because I thought I had gained weight over the holidays. The scale at my doctor's reads differently though. First checkup it read 170, second checkup 174. So I'm going to go by my scale. I like the numbers better.(lol)
I forgot to mention before that my sweet hubby had bought me 2 coats. I had wanted a black coat for Christmas but hubby had said I had a perfectly brand new coat from my sisters 2 years ago that I never wear. I explained to him that I won't wear it because I look like a huge eskimo. It's so big and puffy and that's what I'm trying NOT to look like. Makes me look bigger than I am. So anyway, I didn't get a coat for Christmas and I was so disappointed. Like a liitle kid who didn't get what she wanted for Christmas, I was pouting for days. Then my hubby surprised me when I came home one night from work with the cutest black coat! Not one but 2, just in case I didn't like one. He was going to return one but they both looked good on me he said I could keep both! He made me so happy. I love you baby!
Today I started with tuna and some wheat thin crackers. Have to decide what to eat for lunch though. I did some dancing also. I'm too bloated to do any other kind of exercise. Thinking about getting some kind of diuretic pills to get rid of this extra water. It's making me miserable every month!
The other day at work someone mentioned that I reminded them of the female wrestler Chyna. I wasn't surprised. I have huge shoulders (that I've hated since I was a teenager), when I gain weight it all goes to my shoulders, back and arms so I look like an amazon warrior. My body is an upside down triangle. My upper body gets huge and my legs stay small. Weird. So even when I lose weight, I still have the wide shoulders. If I was to lift weights, I would really look like Chyna. Not that I have anything against women who look like that, I admire them. It's just I like looking more feminine. Like Bettie Page.
My body is almost back to normal. I'm talking about the water retention. I was so miserable. Some of the water has left my body. Did some dancing this morning. Doing pretty good about not eating after 6p.m. I hate winter. I have the winter blahs. I need warmth, the sun, sand, palm trees. Can't wait to move to Florida!
It's about decisions. It's as simple as that. For example if you decide to have the grapefruit instead of the cheese sandwhich for breakfast, you made a very excellent decision. Or if you decide to have the lowfat cottage cheese with peaches instead of icecream, that's another excellent decision. When you're on a diet these are decisons we make everyday. It's all up to YOU. But if you continue making those excellent decisions you will look fantastic by the time summer comes again!
Had a nasty fight with the husband last night. We live in this tiny studio apartment. He stays on the computer until the morning hours playing chess. It's a sick obsession, he just has to win every game. Anyway, usually when he has to work the next morning he'll get off around 12 or 1 a.m. But last night he had to be a stubborn ass and stay on longer. It makes me so angry because I feel like he's not respecting me. I need my sleep! I wouldn't mind so much if I was a heavy sleeper and fall asleep right away. But I'm not. I have trouble sleeping everyday, especially with the click, click, clicking of the computer keys. Drives me nuts! So we argued and I tried to turn off the computer and he got more angry and so he stayed on until 3 a.m.!!! It would also be a different story if we had a 2 bedroom apartment. I can just go into the bedroom and close the door and sleep like a baby.
Well we are looking for another place. Yesterday we spoke to a mortgage broker and he looked at our yearly income, credit report, bank statements see what we can afford. We looked at this 2 family home around this area. It was ok. But we're thinking about owning a co-op apartment because if we move to Florida, that will be easier to manage if we rent it to someone.
So much stress we have right now. We're suppose to go to Atlantic City this Sunday and come back Tuesday night. But now I don't feel like it since our fight. I'm not going to speak to him for a couple of days. I'm still angry. I don't understand how someone so full of love can be so cold one night. I know he's stressed out too, but still...
I did my exercise first thing when I woke up (even though I didn't sleep last night). Feels good to sweat and feel the tension drain from my body.
When the husband came home last night he asked me if I had eaten anything. I didn't want to answer but just yes coldly so he wouldn't ask me anything more. I was reading a book and not even looking at him then I went to sleep. I was so sleepy from not sleeping the night before. This morning I just told him about a message on the answering machine from the mortgage broker. Then he told me to order more vitamins from my prescription and that he'll pick them up on his way home from work. He's trying to be nice but I'm still very upset. I want him to say I'm sorry. At least to recognize that he was being very selfish and cold. I don't want it to happen again. I never hold a grudge, I usually forget everything and act like nothing happened. well not this time.
I did some dancing this morning. It's the best thing to do, if you have time in the morning just do some form of exercise and you're set for the day. I'm also starting the Slim Fast diet. You know, a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch then a sensible dinner. Nothing seems to be working for me so I'll give this a try.
I failed miserably this month. Didn't keep up with the exercising and worst of all, didn't eat right. But mostly it's because of the deep depression I'm in. It's very hard to stay on a diet and exercise program, but if you're depressed on top of that it's unbelieveably hard. But I do want to get out of this deep dark hole that I'm in. So I will try again.
Went to the doctor yesterday. My blood pressure has gone down a bit(with the pills)but the doctor wants me to keep taking them. My weight remained the same. Then I went to the gynecologist. Ugggh. I told her I'm trying to get pregnant. She wants the medical records from the hospital where I had my myomectomy. I asked her if the surgery I had in January of 1999 was the reason I'm having trouble conceiving, she said it could be that's why she needs to see the medical records and that maybe my tubes are blocked. She told me to buy the ovulation kit and try it for a month and see what happens. The only problem is that this gyn is too far from where I live. She was referred to me by the doctor that I see regularly. But hubby says we should find one closer to home.
This Sunday,Feb. 4th,is my cutie pie neice's birthday. 2 years old, how time flies! So I'll be going over there and my hubby will probably come later because he has to work until 4.
Well see you next month! Let's hope it will be better.
February Journal